Day 58….I quit counting and caring

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Hey, it has been awhile again.  So some big shifts have been happening in the past two weeks with dumping expectations, it has been freeing me to explore new things.  Open myself to being, as is, where is. Embracing the moment.  I am less and less driven to be perfect, appear a certain way and just really enjoying things as they come…

I leave in two days…yeah holy shit 60 days went by, in a flash, dragging slow at times.  I am procrastinating packing up, realizing how many things I brought that I did not even take out of bag or box…but a guy never knows right?  Going to be on the midnight ferry back to rupert…seems fitting to leave the way I came.  The storms have been crazy wild this week, winds out of nowhere, thudding against the walls, reminding me instantly how much power and intent Mother nature has. Take it seriously!   

 I have been out connecting more lately, in nature, in forests so old and dense and rich with oxygen and life that as my friend Shelly would say “blood cells instantly become round and healthy”. When I am walking in nature, I can feel myself rooting into the certainty of the man I am destined to be.  The forest floors are carpeted with ancient cedars that are returning to earth what they took and moss so green and rich with color, I curse man for not inventing a camera that can capture the diversity of colors and texture.  When I am there, I want to lay down on this earth and become it so completely…fully.I came out here with so many expectstions of myself, things I had to try and do, in a vane thought that it would push me into life.  For the first month, I suffered at my own doing as I came to realize that again I had set expectations for me and was now letting me down.  It was amazing how much I started appreciating myself and this majestic land when I let it go.

On one of my walks, I was on the beech and noticed this piece of driftwood.  There was nothing visually appealing about it, just another piece of wood in the millions that come up on shore.  I knew though that I had to take this piece back to my cabin and I carried it there.  I laid it on the tailgate and put chisel to wood and the true form emerged from it….what you see in this photo, was always beneath the smooth exterior surface…by divine design of God it was there and I was the one who’s hands were used to reveal the beauy within The experience was transcendent as I “listened” to what was spoken energetically. After drying the creature inside for a couple of weeks, She spoke to me again the other day and I allowed God to work through my hands again to expose her textured skin.

We are like this piece of wood.  Created by God with our designs already laid out within, we enter earth, drift at sea until picked up by someone who resonates with us, carries us to their work space and through each personal experience, chisels away the external to find the divine design that God intended.  Sometimes we will have several artists who work on us at once or seperately over the course of life, until God’s design is revealed.  In this way we are “Carved”.

She is named in Honour of Haida Gwaii. Her name is HaidaSaurus.  She is of God, fierce and fearless….may we all become “carved” someday.

Brian M.

January 26, 2016

Day 43, a breakthrough…..And a declaration.

It is Day 43 of my life at the edge of the world… my time here, the past two weeks for sure have been mixed with silence, reflection, hope, chasing dreams and rejection.  I am done….I am finished trying to live up to any expectation that anyone or me may have….in this, I have taken on a disease over the past 36 years.  It is called EXPECTATION and when you are infected with this disease it always leaves you hanging….wanting…it NEVER delivers.. This disease is strong, it originates in the depths of a Man’s dark psyche, the unhealthy ego, and when the seedling grows into a weedling, it becomes almost unstop-able.  We have expectations that we are aware of and so many we are not…fields and fields of Weedlings growing…..

I am done trying to make something work in this field of weeds….just about every fucking thing I have done under my own choice is founded on personal insecurities, and for each insecurity that I was working under, I built something with the expectation of something in return, give of myself, money or otherwise and you will in return give me the energy of Love or validation..a payment of sorts…this model of mine became so far and reaching, to the point it became so unstable that it took more energy than I had to give or even want to fucking give anymore. Had it been built from Love, it would have been built with no care of what was returned, for the simple act was the reward.

I don’t really know how to love another Human Being without expectation..It is really all I have ever known…let’s face it, Mainstream culture has done a damn fine job of painting a certain picture.  I know how to make it look like love, maybe it even feels like love, but it comes from my head, not my heart. This also means I don’t know how to love myself….never have known…never have had the personal ability to initiate self love.  Inside me is a black hole, an energy sucking vortex that wants your empathetic energy.  Connecting with the insecure me can trigger me to create the appearance of Love of nothing more than mental or material goods and me expect something real like loving energy in return…my Love is like a Fiat Currency…..there is nothing backing it besides expectations. 

I am done “feeling” other peoples expectations…I am done making expectations of me or anyone…it just sets everyone up for a HUGE disaster.  Fuck me for chasing my dreams out of a place of insecurity. Fuck me for having the expectation of anyone to be who I wanted them to be.  Fuck me for not accepting You as You are.  Fuck me for chasing any one of the 1000 dreams I have ever chased and distracted myself with instead of actually sitting with Myself and looking at who I am.  Fuck everyone for setting expectant intentions for me.  All we do is take a Giant Shit in the relationship, then both try to pretend that the shit is not there, but all the while we are tossing it at each other in the resentments we hold.  Do you have an expectation? Here is a shovel!  While you are digging the hole to dump that shit in, reflect on what that expectation is about.

I came into the new year of 2016  with only one intention of starting a healthy relationship with myself, not being weighed down by the shit of expectations of my own, and this past two weeks I have actually been opening myself…to possibilities….being open to meeting people, open to a new life.I am opening myself, but got caught off guard how I am letting someone else down who may have had their own expectations about me.  My NICE GUY makeup and way of wanting to make things ok for everyone, I feel a responsibility towards them….well FUCK it, too bad…those are your (if you do have some) expectations…while I am trying to make it ok, I send the message to the universe that sabotages me….then, the inevitable rejection from all sides come.  Rejection of a new possibility and the rejection from the existing because the universe sensed my Weakness and is going to send my old friend over to help me learn the lesson again…..those feelings of no worth, self hate and all that great shit that I know so well from a lifetime of feeling it….

“Hello rejection my old friend, it’s nice to see you haven’t changed….this way I can still recognize you and we do not have to waste time getting reacquainted. No, I have not learned my spiritual lesson yet….that is why the Universe sent you here again… Oh by the way I hate You, you energy draining Vampire Bitch, but you and I are in a co-dependent relationship, until I learn to accept failure and rejection as ok.”

Fuck each and every expectation I have of anyone I know and don’t know…I am done with it…this is my life and I will direct it however I want….I do not owe anything to anyone anymore and NOT ONE THING is owed to me……

I, Brian A Madsen just wiped all slates clean, expectations in all forms, monetary, spiritual or otherwise are wiped clean.  A spiritual cleanse…I, as a Man in my original state hereby claim my inherent right to direct my own life as I see fit without any molestation, expectation or encumbrance from any Person, Human or Authority. 

Feeling Nature

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The past week around here I have been feeling and seeing the power and depth of Nature.  I felt the north winds-wet and chilling to the bones as the mist blows off the water onto Land, the waves inflamed and frothing, as they thrash and turn violently and, in all of this a serene and calming beauty.

 

Where the Hiellen River Meets the Ocean

 

A drive to Port Clements the other day and onto some logging roads, took me further into the depths of the island.  Time spent on the Golden Spruce Trail was a transcending experience.  It is where I rooted into earth and connected with God.  In this ancient forest, I rested my hand on a mighty spruce tree and when I took a breath, the trees gave me breath, then when I exhaled, it was carried away on the breeze far high overhead.  For a few moments, I was another tree, rooted in the fertile and giving soils that have given so much to the Haida.

I went in search of the Haida Canoe a bit further in on the logging roads, a few more kilometers of bone shattering pot holes and I arrived at the turn-out for this Carved Canoe.  The road was, quite a bit more “off road” than I had expected and sadly I had not read accurately before hand where the trail head was, so I did not find the Canoe.  An adventure for another time.

 

Best suited to a smaller 4x4
The road to Haida Canoe

The Haida believe fervently in the sacredness of Mother Nature, in preserving what remains of thier ancestral land, people, dialect and the culture. They believe in taking only what is needed and no more. There were about a half dozen of these wooden carvings on the Golden Spruce Trail, passing teachings to us.

This last week the Council of Haida Nation held their elections for leaders, and as almost any election, their is now some comtroversy rising up out of it….I was reading some reports and have started listening to the buzz around and you hear about how business influence may have affected political outcome…As I begin to learn more about the major issues on island, forestry management and off-shore wind farms, LNG, Crude oil tankers off the coast and why CHN has concerns, it reenforces their connection to the land and perserving this place for generations to come..there are brief moments where I feel shame at what my ancestors may have been part of during colonization of Canada and then, as quick as this comes, it goes as a greater feeling of appreciation rises up for what tribes like Haida share with us.

The nights are long here and I have been starting to sleep quite a lot better since trying the third bed out in my cabin….I know, just a bit like the Goldilocks story, except I don’t eat the bears poridge.  As I come down to the rhytym of the Ocean and Nature, I am becoming very sensitive to energy. The light emitted from my Computer or iPad or powered lamps at night is almost becoming offensive and toxic to me.  I have also started feeling the energectic push and pull of the Ocean waves dancing with the lands and forests.  It is a very neat feeling but, also reinforces my need to deeply ground and root myself so that I do not get pulled or pushed anywhere Without my consent.

I hope you enjoy a few of the pictures I have put up here.

On the lookout for the edge….

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Hi! It has been a few days…there has not really been anything too exciting.  There has been a couple of days sadness, lonliness, depression, mixed in with sweet moments, excitment.  I have been having my morning coffee with the Ocean for the past three mornings…Ocean speaks rhythmically slow, with power and intention.  She holds knowledge, is the keeper of our lives, judges no one, can be playful and will also swallow you if are not certain of yourself.

I learned a couple of lessons from sitting with Ocean.  Her waves teach me that fierce storms come and go, there is no way to avoid these, to embrace what is. Her waves teach me to find the natural rhythm, so that the lows are never so low to find bottom and that the highs are never so high that you overtake that which surrounds you. She teaches that it is normal to have periods where your energy levels are high and you rise higher in the world around you and times when your energy levels will be low and you recede.  It must be this way for in high times, it allows your energy to give to other and in low times, it allows the world around you to come out and enjoy what you have as you recede.

I hiked Tow Hill on Monday, about 10 KM east of where I am staying.  Tow hill has a towering, powerful presence, an old lava pipe that has been beaten and bashed by glacial activity and the ocean. Tow Hill (Ta’aw) has been an important piece of Haida culture for thousands of years.  The hike at Tow was moderate, a boardwalk pathway leads 125 meters high along  1 km to the top, giving way to views of the ‘edge of the world’. About half way along, there is a view to the east displaying Rose Spit.  On arriving at the top of the Hill, it is clear how important this place was to the Haida as it provided them with lookout in all directions for visitor and enemies alike who may have been approaching their lands.  Everything below took on a small appearance.  Waves looked like mere ripples, sufers like fish in the sea. For a moment, as I took in with my eyes, I allowed myself to imagine what it might have been like to be sitting on this ancient lava rock and seen enemies on the horizon, how threatening that would have been.  On the descent from the top, I could feel the spirits of the warriors who once defended their lands.  I honoured that feeling and in that took a lesson that sometimes what seems so big in front of you, when looked at from a higher place, may not be as important as you think. When you think there is a threat, get to you lookout point and see what is beyond that.

Now that I have seen the edge of the world from the towering distance, my spirit itches to feel it under my feet.


Energy….the cost in all forms and the pressing need for self sustainability. 

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That is what has been stage center for me this past few days as I settle (but far from settled) into the “off-grid” life…Energy in all of it’s forms.  On Haida Gwaii there are many forms of natural energy, there is Wind, Water, the powerful North Pacific ocean, trees, the many plants and animals.  There is also the man-made energy sources of Gasoline, propane, grocery stores, electeonics and “money” which sadly I am too familiar with and dependent on.

I am becoming acutely aware of the limited nature and draining effect of man-made energy sources.  As an example…I made the choice to bring along an internet hub, laptop computer and printer, cell phone signal booster, small 3-way fridge and generator and 2 small lamps. All of these items require man-made energy in the form of electricity or propane gas/gasoline.  I am learning the value to energy conservancy with regards to only powering these devices when I use them, not leaving them humming and buzzing for hours endlessly like before.  All of these devices were intentioned to be powered from the battery and solar panel unit I purchased before coming.  In theory there should have been an equal exchange of power used and renewably generated….however the sun has to shine 8 hours per day each day for that to happen.  So that is where the Gas powered generator comes to use, however this costs in precious gasoline.

Propane is consumed in the fridge, the hot water shower I brought and the cabin cook stove and gas lanterns.  Ever aware of consumption I am mindful not to heat more water than I need or cook or shower more often or longer than required, using the wood burning heat stove helps with this however there is still an energy loss at the end of the day.
Heating is supplied by wood, there was a cord of wood to start with here and finding seasoned dry wood on the island now is as hopeful as me winning a beauty pageant…conservation here really comes down to acknowledging my appreciation and the value of each log that offers itself for my survival.  Luckily it is mild here remaining above freezing most of the winter.

Food energy is proving to be an unexpected expense and is chaiging my views on harvesting and hunting for my own energy supply.  Two bags of groceries without any meat is $75 dollars in town.  This has been lasting me 2-3 days…at this rate I will consume $1500 of paper-energy in two months which is more than I can afford.  There is a beach 200 feet from me and I am reading about harvesting and preparing sea-kelp.  I am determined to barter or learn to harvest/hunt my own food energy as much as is available.  I have been filtering my own drinking water and located “the pipe” south of town today so I have a clean source of spring fed drinking water and will not have to buy reverse osmosis chlorinated water.

I purchased gasoline today, the cost is $1.55 per liter.  My truck consumes 14 liters every hundred kilometers. A round trip to Masset is 35 Km. I use 6 liters of gas, that costs me $10.00.  I have a bicycle, time to use it a little bit.
Everything costs more…

Part of my choosing to be here was to develop a profound understanding of energy, use cash money as often as possible and just how precious it all is.  It is so easy to just take something for granted; thermostats and furnaces, pay at the pump debit cards, big box grocery stores with good land access.  Being so remotely located, everything arrives here by air or water and it had a long journey before it made that one. It amplifies any small effects currently in existence and displays so clearly what a man must really do if he wishes to truly prepare himself for any form of collapse anywhwere he may live.

The quote necessity is the mother of invention hold true.
Until next post, thanks.

Lessons…..from from outdoor Loo

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The outhouse is proving to be an educational place here!  I have learned a little bit about outhouse ecology, how slippery wet wood planks are and received written instructions from the Ocean by means of a plaque.

Today was somewhat milder than the past three days, not much wind, no rain, the sun tried to shine.  I walked the beach in search of any float sam I could use for a make-shift clothes washing unit, because honestly the thought of driving to town and waiting there for laundry seems taxing at best.  No joy on any floatsam today.  I ended up rummaging around the bush at the cabin and found a few things to make my clothes washing unit.  The thing works good, using an old barrel, recycle bin and a 12 volt pump I brought along “for just in case”. Yours truly is providing the spin cycle via my wrists…

  
Again today the Beach was deserted, not a soul in site.  I will have to venture further out to see any signs of life….

Cheers

72 hours Later….living on island time

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I boarded the overnight ferry, found my sleeping berth which had a rescue boat located outside my window, had a brown meal of fish and chips for dinner before we set sail for Skidegate Landing.  9 hours seemed mentally like such a long time to be aboard a ferry.  We left port at 10 pm, I wandered the decks for about an hour, finding the place to be desolate; my guess is that the regulars have their routine of dining then going to bed.

When I retired to my berth at 11 pm, I had pretty much wiped myself out for another day.  Sleep came fast.  At around 2 am, I awoke to my head hitting against the wall and feeling the ferry vessel heaving and rocking in the waters of the Hecate Strait.  We were in rough waters.  Two things crossed my mind….better take a #2 and make a mental note of where my pants are…..just in case this 17,000 tonne piece of iron starts to sink.  All the heaving and rocking was just about all that this prairie raised boy could take.  For a few moments, I considered dressing myself to visit the outside deck and face the stormy waters almost in a “Lieutenant Dan – Forest Gump” sort of way.  I was pretty tired and fell back asleep; with mental note of where my pants were.  6:30 am came quick and we were landed at 7:00 am.  Time to roll the wheels to Mile Zero of the HWY 16 trans canada.

The 100 km drive of winding roads was uneventful, seeming familiar from the time here in the spring.  Arriving at the cabins was a familiar feeling, the North Beach, right where it was before.  I began unpacking my life. The cabin is 16×24 built on poles and about 200 feet through the dunes to the tide. The sound of the surf is omnipresent. I spent the morning splitting wood, lighting a fire in the stove. Time for a supply run into town, food, TP, a few other small items. First day gone. As if somehow missing the comfort of having electricity, I started up the Generator I brought along for some lights.

 

A fairly windy and uneventful night, I woke a few times to check the fire, I am still honing the craft of stoking my fire.  Yesterday was spent mostly unpacking some of the things I brought along, I set up ,y portable hot shower and solar powered water pump in the shower stall….I may have some cold showers and I sure want to make sure that I can have a hot one on demand too.  Spent the afternoon connecting up solar panel and batteries and as the sun set, took a walk on the beach, letting the surf become my pulse.  It is very desolate here right now. I took a hot shower last night and it felt damn rewarding to shower in something I put together myself.

Today It has been crazy windy and raining so I went into Masset to pick up a few more supplies, get a feel for town, grab a coffee.  Really nothing too crazy.  Noticing that I am feeling Lonely, but not alone; there is a world of nature And Me that I am waiting to connect with.  Hope to make a couple of friends too.